When I was a kid, there were nights at the dinner table when my dad would get quiet and start staring off into the distance. My sisters and I would joke, “Dad’s thinking about work again!” and the chorus of giggles would break him out of his trance and bring him back to dinner. 

Now, at 41, I’m the one who’s prone to the “thinking about work” face at dinner and many other times as I try to shift from employee to father at the end of the workday. 

As a civil defense attorney, I’ll regularly handle 200 or more cases at any given time, each with its own facts, medical records, litigation status, and hearing schedule. 

As a father, I have four kids who are growing up way too fast — each with their own interests, likes/dislikes, friends, school assignments, extracurriculars, etc. 

As a husband, I have an incredible wife who has kept me around for 12 years and counting, but we’re no longer carefree 20-somethings with little responsibility and an excess of free time. It’s frighteningly easy to lose track of each other amidst our sea of responsibilities and commitments. 

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Alternating between those three main roles in my life, it can be difficult to be fully engaged in the present moment. There are dinners and vacations where I have replayed court hearings in my head, pondering how I could have performed better. There are file reviews at work where I continually think of kids’ sports schedules or weekend plans. There are times at work and with the family when I’m thinking of household repairs. 

One thing that’s helped me with this is the Examen, a prayer formulated by St. Ignatius Loyola.  I first came across the prayer when I was a teenager considering a Jesuit vocation. The whole of Ignatian spirituality, with its emphasis on finding God in all things, was such a revelation to my young mind, but this prayer made an impression and I recently resumed the practice of praying it at night. The basic outline of the prayer is a 5-step process:

  1. Be aware you’re in God’s presence. 
  2. Ask for grace to see God’s work in your life.
  3. Review the day in detail. 
  4. Reflect on specific actions and see whether they brought you closer to or farther away from God. 
  5. Make a resolution for tomorrow.

When a priest gives a homily at Mass, he takes the Gospel message and makes it applicable to the general congregation. When I pray the Examen, I try to feel I take it one step further and make it applicable directly to my life — my wife, my errands, my kids, my schedule, my work, my supervisor, my commute, and all of the nitty-gritty that makes up my life. 

I think hidden within my lack of focus is the false belief that whatever I’m focused on is the most important, most pressing matter. Praying the Examen gently corrects this warped way of thinking by reminding me that everything is important, because everything relates back to God. 

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The process of he fourth step, reflecting on my actions and whether they brought me closer to or farther from God, changes every day, but I’ll sometimes ask:

  • Was I short with someone on a work call where I was just trying to get another task off the to-do list?
  • Were my “blinders” on while I tried to go through my work day, missing opportunities to hear and see those souls that work alongside me?  
  • Should I have stopped by the desk of a colleague who was widowed last year and seen how she’s holding up? 
  • Did I pay attention to my kids when I came home? 
  • Did I focus on the stories they so eagerly conveyed to me, treasuring them as the gifts they are?
  • Did I miss an opportunity to show more initiative, to ask questions, to be silly, to initiate play? 
  • Have I taken active steps today to work on my marriage?
  • Have I listened to things my wife has expressed frustration over and given her empathy, as well as whatever support I could?
  • Have I made efforts to connect with my wife and share myself, and not just go through the day on our parallel routes?

For me, the biggest benefit of the Examen is not just the act of praying it towards the end of the day, but rather the way it shapes my mind throughout the day. Getting in the habit of praying it has “trained” my brain to start considering those questions as I am going about my day. As I live in the present moment, I know that God is there and I know that the only way I can respond to him is by being present in that moment, noticing what he is offering me in that moment, and responding with love. 

With regularly praying the Examen, my “thinking about work” face pops up less often. When I’m with my wife and kids, I’m with them — attuned to all the beautiful intricacies of the present moment.